You’ve probably heard by now about the reception problems some users have experienced with their new generation phones, and I was fascinated by something Chuc had in his post:  The complaint rate is just .55%!  So this got me to thinking…

Consider this:  Whether it’s a fist-fight, a political scandal, or a problem with a new product, he who is first to the draw has the advantage.  In this case, the news of the iPhone4 problems came fast and furious through media reports, blogs, and top-of-the-hour news spots.  Buried deep in stories like this one was the truth of the infinitesimal fail rate.

And let me ask you this:  What would have been the result if Apple had gotten in front of this from the outset and issued a press release headlined:  “Apple iPhone4  Users Enjoying 99.45% Reception!”

Hey, a success rate of 99.45% is overwhelmingly good for ANY product!  Maybe you remember the old Trident slogan, “4 out of 5 dentists surveyed would recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum.”  They were bragging about an 80% success rate (and notice it doesn’t even say dentists recommend Trident specifically… but they knew casual listeners would no doubt infer this to be an endorsement of Trident anyway!). 

Back in June the big news was the “failure” of the iPhone4 during Steve Jobs’ on-stage demonstration.  When I heard about it, I had to see the video—being a speaker myself, I couldn’t imagine how difficult and embarassing that must have been, and I was curious to see how Jobs handled the snafu. 

But when I watched the FULL video (you see it above), the explanation was revealed… it wasn’t a failure of the iPhone per se as reports led us to believe, it was a connectivity issue caused by over 500 other devices in the room sucking up the bandwidth!  After he ordered everyone to shut off their devices… what do you know, success! 

So the big news was “iPhone4 Fails in Jobs’ Demonstration”… while the true (and innocuous) explanation went unmentioned. 

Would the media use deception?  Are you kidding!  Always beware:  They revel in disaster, failure, and spectacle.  To find these things when they doesn’t exist, they morph into masters of selective sensationalism to achieve the lurid effect. 

Anyway, Steve Jobs and Apple have had a bittersweet Summer.  Success and failure often come in a package, have you noticed?  And like I said in my comment on Chuc’s blog, “The bigger you get, the bigger your target gets”.  (And that means the target on your back, not the one you’re shooting.) 

Oh, and here’s a tip if you want to know how to persuade others:  Remember the power of  words.  They matter.  Why?  Because they guide thought.  Used cleverly, and with a little strategy, the thoughts and opinions of others can be gently moved simply by knowing how to say things in just the right way… and sometimes merely by being the first to say them. 

So the next time you have to deal with something controversial, embarassing, or detrimental, consider being the first to address it.  Because few people are totally honesty when the issue is harmful to them, you’ll be given great credit.  

There’s power in being first to the draw… because the first punch often decides the fight.

Leave your thoughts in a comment if you like, thanks for reading…

-jef

First, I should say “thanks” to all those who ventured guesses at what the elusive 7th reason might be.  And congratulations to Calvin for nailing it.  Some of you came up with reasons that I hadn’t—very good ones, too—proving once again that my readers not only have an interest in improving their talents for savvy conversation, but already have a grasp of it far beyond the “average” person.

So the 7th reason people ask you questions is:  To lead you to their conclusion.

Clever marketers and salesmen have long used this technique, but most people don’t know when it’s been used on them, or more importantly how to use it on others.

For instance, when an ad campaign proclaims, “96% of our customers say they would recommend us to their family and friends” they’re leading the listener to a subconscious conclusion:  “Customers are overwhelmingly happy with the service… it must be great!”  To allow the listener to draw his own conclusion (of the marketer’s choosing) is far more powerful than just saying, “Our customers are overwhelmingly happy with the service… it’s great!”

People don’t want to be told what to do, and they sure don’t want to be told what to think.  But if you gently lead them to a logical conclusion—without actually giving it to them—they’ll accept it because it was theirs. 

Insinuate…

Drop hints…

Allude to what is logical, but stop short of giving them the conclusion… 

Casually mention what other, un-involved people have said or opined on the subject…

Gently lay out the dots, but have the patience and foresight to let the person connect them and draw their own picture.

You can usually find a way to subtly steer the conversation or a particular subject in your direction, toward the answer you’d like them to arrive at.  Is this manipulative?  No, it’s leadership.  It’s also the best way to negotiate. 

Don’t you routinely have conversations where you need another person to come around to your way of thinking? 

If you really want to know how to influence others, here’s a little secret:  You can’t order them to accept your position… they must be allowed to conclude it themselves. 

And this technique of leading another person’s thoughts is actually much more civil than the way we typically try to gain their acceptance of our ideas:  Through debate, insistence, or argument.  These strategies—which aren’t really strategies, just our egos getting the best of us—may feel justified or necessary in the moment, but they won’t get you the results you’re after. 

If all this still seems elusive, just keep it in mnd the next time you have a conversation where you need another person to accept your ideas—I’m betting you’ll be able to figure out the details and make this little-known technique work for you.

Enjoy,

-jef

Most people don’t ask a lot of questions (their loss).

When they do ask, virtually EVERYONE fails to fully capitalize on the power of questions (HUGE missed opportunities).

I can’t overstate how important it is that you ask good questions of others, regardless the context of the conversation.  Questions are the most powerful conversational weapon you can master—so powerful that asking them the wrong way can bring you negative results… even elicit deception where it wouldn’t have otherwise happened. 

During a lot of my public speaking events I teach the simple techniques for leveraging questions so that deception isn’t invited… and results and information are maximized.

Something I’ve never spoken publicly about though, are the reasons people ask questions… but I’m giving them to you here in the hope you can find something that will help you out a bit in your next conversation:

So here they are, the 6 Reasons People Ask You Questions:

1—To Hear You Agree with Them…  This may come as a shock, but here’s the hard—and weird—reality:  When another person asks you for your honest opinion, they generally don’t want to hear it. 

What are they really after?  Your agreement with them. 

People like to be right. 

People generally think they are right. 

The only thing missing?  Your acknowledgment that they’re right!

Whether it seemed this way or not at the time, throughout your whole life people have been asking you questions they didn’t want answers to.  What were they looking for?  Your agreement or approval.  And generally their questions concern one of these three categories:

Past actions:  Regret is a powerful negative energy, and one of the worst you can put upon yourself, just behind guilt (which is the source of regret).

To alleviate guilt and regret, a person will often seek assurance from another person that they were right—or at least justified at the moment—in doing what they did. Deny them this escape hatch and they’ll turn on you.

Future actions:  A person will often ask you what they “should do”.  Let’s face it, knowing what we should do in any given situation is usually pretty easy.  The actual dilemma is this:  People often want to do something other than what they should do.  And to justify it, they’ll seek your endorsement.  They want outside approval for doing what they want to do… instead of what they should do.

Opinions:  Thoughts are the most personal possessions we have.  Our second most personal possessions?  Our opinions. 

It’s interesting that the closer a subject is to them, the less another person will want to hear your honest opinion on that subject.  Example:  Make a comment about a stranger walking down the street and the shoes he’s wearing, and the person you’re speaking to probably won’t be offended.  Make a comment about his shoes… and he’ll be highly miffed.  Or worse.

Has another person ever asked for your opinion… and then disagreed with it?  That was because he really didn’t want to hear your take… he wanted to hear you reaffirm his opinion, or endorse his actions.

2—To Get Your Honest Opinion… Hey, I know it came quick, but here’s where I contradict what I just said in the last point.  All rules have exceptions, you know, and here’s a rare one to that one:  There are times, especially in personal matters, where a person truly wants your input:

—Doing what we should is sometimes uncomfortable, especially when it’s easy to see that turmoil could follow.  In those instances, people want a little back up before going in:  “Should I tell Mary that Bud’s seeing Sheila?”

—And we all have moments of true indecision, where we have several options and absolutely no idea which fork in the road is best.  If a person says to you, “I don’t know what to do,” you can take that as confirmation that your honest opinion is truly being solicited. 

If another person really is open to your honest opinion, it means you have their absolute trust.  When someone does the rare thing of revealing their honest thoughts to you—or asks for yours—consider it a compliment.  It’s certification of their confidence in you.

3—To Hear You Disagree with Their Question… Sometimes you’ll run into the contrarian who wants to get under your skin, or just have some fun debating over a topic they know you’re passionate about.  These types will ask you questions with the aim of:  1-Pursuing a little fun, or… 2-Proving you wrong.  Think politics and religion.

Oh, and surely you’ve met one of those types who never pass up an opportunity to contradict or correct another person?  They’re close cousins to the people who always have a better or more outrageous example of the story that’s just been told—the notorious ‘One-uppers’.

4—They Already Know the Answer… There’s an adage that “A good attorney knows the answer to a question before he asks it”.  Overlooking the argument we could have about the existence of “good attorneys” let’s go straight to the point:  Sometimes people already know the answer to the question they’re asking you. 

It’s not about exploration. 

It’s not about confirmation. 

It’s an effort to see if you’ll lie to them.

I guest-posted a while back on Seth Simonds’ www.thedatingpapers.com and touched on this, well… touchy subject.  Whether they realize it or not going in, when people ask questions designed to “test” the recipient, they’re actually “asking for the lie”—bad idea.  These moves always lead to another level of deception and resentment.

So Beware:  If you’re on the receiving end of this little baby you could be in big trouble.  Why is honesty always the best policy?  Well, partly because you never know what the other guy knows… when he’s asking you a question. 

5—To Demonstrate How Smart They Are… You’ve heard the worn-out adage, “The only dumb question is the one that isn’t asked”.  Maybe you’ve also been subjected to the person asks dumb questions!  It may have been in a classroom, a seminar, or a teleconference… in any gathering of people there seems to be at least one person who asks questions that have obvious answers, are asked with no apparent reason, or aim to show the prowess of the person asking. 

6—Because They’re Curious… Wow, how crazy is this one?  Asking a question out of sheer curiousity. 

Listen to any conversation, and what you’ll find is that everybody’s talking about themselves.  It’s the rare genius who knows well enough to sit back and listen… and ask questions.  It’s amazing the information people will voluntarily hand over if you’ll give them the chance. 

Show interest, ask good questions, and people will love you for it. 

Why?  

Because you’ll probably be the only person they’ve run into all day (or all week) who was willing to show genuine interest and just listen to them.

Curiosity:  This is the best—and one of the rarest—reasons for asking a question.

7—I’ll keep this one to myself for the time being… but if you can guess it, I’ll send you a signed copy of my book as a gift for your shrewdness, and mail you a copy of my limited access audio CD, How to Handle a Cop:  What to Do, Say, and Avoid the Next Time You’re Stopped©.

A Hint:  The 7^th reason can be more sinister than any of the ones I’ve just given you.

-jef

It was my turn to address the group at a meeting of the National Speakers Association a few nights ago, and I opened by saying, “In my past life, I used to get confessions out of people…” 

Before I could say another word, a lady blurted out in amazement, “You used to be a priest?!” 

Me, a priest… wow, now that’s a new one.  Of course, the confessions I used to listen to were in a police station, not a church!

But occasionally I have a confession of my own, so here’s one now:  I watched ABC’s The Bachelorette.  Not just one night, but two.  I did it for my wife, okay?  Will I watch the whole season?  No.  Well, if she makes me.

Anyway, since confessions and accusations always travel together, I have one of those, too:  The character Craig M. is…

A plant. 

A hack. 

A shill, orchestrated by the producers for good theater.  It’s worked so well that I don’t know of anyone else who’s caught on to the charade.  In fact, the entire viewership apparently bought this deception hook, line, and sinker.

If you’re a hardcore fan, I’m sorry to shoot the goose, but stick with me here:  I’ll tell you why I believe this, and what you can learn from my revelation.

And if you didn’t watch the first two nights of the Show’s new season, that won’t matter—I can bring you up to speed without you donating 4 hours of your life to the lesson.

During the opening episode on Sunday night, Craig M. (Dental Sales - Toronto) stood out immediately as this season’s provocateur.  He was arrogant with the other guys in the house, pushed Jesse  (Contractor - Peculiar, MO) nearly to the point of getting a punch in the kisser, and then focused his energies on Jonathan (Weather Man - Houston, TX). 

The first to fall hardcore for the act, of course, was The Weatherman.  In the video above you can see him making his case to Ali, trying to convince her of Craig’s evil traits.

Now I should stop here and offer another confession:  The first night of the Show I was with everybody else; I just considered Craig to be the jerk in the bunch—every season seems to have at least one (not that I’ve watched before). 

But by the end of the episode, I started to have my doubts.  And they intensified early on during last night’s show.

At 1:53 in the video above you’ll see the beginning of Craig’s one-on-one meeting with Ali. 

So stop here, watch it and see what you think of it, then I’ll give you my thoughts.

The problems with Craig’s believability:

1-Ego is a big part of show business, and it’s why everyone appears on these shows.  Are they looking for love?  Or looking to be on TV?  You tell me.  Behaving like a playground bully isn’t something many 34 year old men (if that’s his real age) would consider doing on national TV… unless it’s their assigned role. 

2-His behavior was over the top.  He went from one guy to the next, provoking, critizing, belittling.  Instead of his behavior being organic to the situation, he was manufacturing issues and making the most of them.  It’s the equivalent of a person trying “sell” you on what they’re saying.  People who are genuine—even if they’re genuinely bad—don’t try to convince you of it. 

3-In the early scenes where he tangled with the other ‘contestants’, he was sure of himself, never at a loss for words, and always appeared very clear headed.  In the video you see with him and Ali, he’s goggled-eyed, befuddled, and acts just plain weird.  This was part of the plan, too, designed to alienate Ali and induce her to kick him off the show.

4-When Ali asks if he’s interested in her, he pegs the weird meter, stammers around even more, and never answers the question.  Watch these shows and you’ll notice the contestants always want the Bachelorette.  Isn’t it interesting that all 25 men view the woman as their ideal mate?  That’s because it’s really not about finding love, it’s about…

Winning. 

About not losing. 

About staying on the show. 

Ultimately, it all goes back to ego, doesn’t it?  All the guys want the girl… because it’s not about the girl, it’s about 1-Being on the Show, and 2-Ego, not losing. 

Nobody goes on these shows for love of another, it’s for love of self.

And no one wants to be sent home… and Craig couldn’t be trying harder to get this done.

5-It doesn’t take Columbo to pick up on Craig’s defensive body language, and Ali spots it easily, remarking about his legs being crossed against her, and that he looks away from her when speaking.  He’s doing everything in his power to appear odd, unapproachable, and disinterested.

At the end of their conversation, Ali says, “I’m glad we had this talk.”  Notice the sigh she lets out, and the chuckle.  Was she glad?  Yes, completely truthful.  She learned everything she needed to know to make her decision, but still not the truth.  

6-Afterward, Craig tells the camera that he’s going to confront the group to learn who snitched him out to Ali.  Notice at 4:53 how he says, “This guy’s dangerous!”  He’s not dangerous, this guy’s an actor!  Then he says, “It’s gonna be like a storm in the house, let’s just say.”—not an random remark, but a clever meteorlogical metaphor, calculated and staged by the producers.  And that’s okay… hey, this is show business.

And this is really important:  What you don’t see in the video is what follows, when he addresses the other men after his meeting with Ali.  His collected demeanor is back, and the disjointed weirdness he delivered on Ali is gone.  This shows how important baselines are when you’re conversing with another person; notice how they behave normally, and notice when they deviate from it.  There’s always a reason.

The first night my wife saw Craig M. and said, “He looks like an actor, somebody you’d see on TV.”  Have my instincts on human behavior rubbed off on her?  Maybe she’s better at this than I am, she beat me to the truth this time! 

Because he does have a face for the screen. 

Did they pull him out of the line at a soap opera audition?

Was he an actual contestant with acting aspirations and they solicited him for the role of demonic brute? 

Whatever the truth behind the lie, it worked well.  He created buzz over the show, and the web is full of blog posts about Creepy Craig.  Everyone’s in.  

But I’m not. 

Can you watch that video and honestly argue he’s for real?

-jef

PS—My forecast:  The Weatherman goes home next week.

Question:  How many celebrity scandals involve deception?  

Answer:  All of ‘em!

Scandals can be limited to a household, or they can be known to the whole world.  And whether it’s Bill Clinton, Bernie Madoff, Jesse James, or the person living next door to you who’s at the heart of controversy, the whole thing always unfolds like this: 

Phase 1—The Act:  Somebody tried to fool somebody else (spouse, business partner, investors, the public…). 

Phase 2—The Cover-up:  After their short term wants are satisfied, they have to conceal what they’ve done (the gun of choice for this mission:  Deception, of course).

Phase 3—Discovery and fallout:  Ask Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, or Jesse James about this one.  Of the three stages, it’s the least fun and the longest lasting.  In fact, sometimes it never ends. 

So like it or not, here’s a little rule of human nature that no one will tell you but me:  People do what they want, and they use deception to avoid the consequences. 

Does deception come naturally to people?  Yes.  It’s basic animal defense, as natural—and necessary—as eating and breathing.

Are people naturally good at lying?  Scary answer:  Yes. 

The little caveat:  Part of what makes them good at deception is that most people are very bad at knowing how to tell if someone is lying.  (Hey, if you don’t have a copy of Conquering Deception, you might be one of ‘em:  Click on the cover up top now to get your signed copy)

So in the wake of the Richard Blumenthal deception that recently popped up and the Jesse James thing, I ran across this article about the Columbia Business School study that suggests public figures are better liars.

A co-author of the study said it didn’t show that power leads to lying, but that people in power find it easier to be dishonest.

What the researchers apparently failed to understand: 

1—Deception is typically used to fix a problem:  Contrary to the study findings, it’s been my experience that power (which leads to more opportunities, good and bad) presents more temptations for “missteps”, and so more possible needs for deception. 

2—Public figures are better at getting CAUGHT:  Notoriety brings attention, scrutiny, snooping photographers, tell-all housekeepers… even lawsuits.  The average plumber can get away with far more than Brad Pitt can. 

Oh, and Joe Lunchbox doesn’t have to fight a tape recorder, either.  Richard Blumenthal is instinctually dismissing his lies as something less, failing to understanding he doesn’t have the latitude normal people enjoy:  There’s video and audio of his handy-work. 

3—Public figures aren’t better liars; they’re just public liars:  They have to be… because what’s the alternative?  Admitting the truth. 

And who ever does that?  Only those who are stone-cold caught and have nowhere to hide.  

Richard Blumenthal admitted nothing when he admitted uttering “a few misspoken words”—just more deception, isn’t it?  And even as they report on his lying, the media goes squeamish and follows his example with headlines like this one:  “Candidate’s Words on Vietnam Service Differ From History”. 

And then as Jesse James—who has been an uncommonly blunt and honest celebrity—came clean in the Nightline interview, his motives were attacked, and he was accused of acting. 

Why is Jesse treated more harshly than the politician Blumenthal?  Of the two, who stands to affect our lives more, a welder from Long Beach or a would-be US Senator?  

In the end, public scandals aren’t always bad for the public figure.  Laid out, but not out:  Jesse James (the bike builder, not the outlaw) will still be a public figure in 10 years, and on the long chance someone mentions Richard Blumenthal in a conversation, you’ll have explain who that was.

-jef

It’s amazing what people will tell you with just a little nudge or some subtle guidance. 

In fact, people are so anxious to tell you what they know, sometimes to learn something interesting, all you need to do is listen.

I was on a flight from Chicago to Detroit a few nights ago, and was sitting next to two total strangers.  I had the aisle seat as always, there was a guy next to me who was coming back from Vegas, and the fellow at the window was on his way to a company meeting.

I’m not much on plane conversation, and I’m not an eavesdropper; but I was a captive audience.  

Trapped, right?  

Where do you go for solitude on a commercial flight?  The bathroom? 

How long can you hold out in there before somebody beats on the door?

So I was forced to overhear these two talk. 

You can learn a lot just by listening.  And there’s duality in this:  1-The information itself, and 2-The way it’s related.  The 2nd one will be invaluable to you, so always remember it:  While most people get distracted by WHAT’s being said, you’ll learn much more from HOW it’s said. 

The fellows I sat next to talked about a lot of stuff, but here’s the exchange that I thought might benefit you:  They’d been talking back and forth with no hiccups, repeats, or hesitations, then the guy at the window asked the guy coming back from Vegas:  “Did you win?”  He immediately replied, ”What?”  

So here’s my question for you:  Do you think he won in Vegas?

My instant bet when I heard this was proven right in the next seconds.  Without being asked again (which means he heard the question plainly) the guy said, “Everybody else won, I lost 500.” 

“That’s not bad,” said the guy by the window.

“No, not bad… I was down a grand, but I won 500 of it back.”

So why did the gambler stumble on the question?  1-It was a sensitive subject.  2-He was considering how to answer it.  3-He was considering whether to tell the truth… or tell a lie.

When you know they heard your question, always notice when a person hesitates in giving you an answer.  But be mindful of what you’ve questioned them about:  Ask them what they had for lunch last Tuesday, and they’ll probably hesitate. 

Ask them if they’ve lost money gambling in the last few days, and their hesitation won’t be justified.

Oh, and there’s another thing to consider:  Was the gambler really telling the truth?  Isn’t it possible he lost more, but understated his losses? 

When a person lies to you, they often give up something damaging, which acts a pacifier.  When we hear them admit something against their interests, they immediately appear credible for being truthful. 

Their conscience is eased with the admission, and we feel we have the truth… when in fact, there may be more to know.

If you want to know how to tell if someone is lying, just listen up.  They won’t tell you outright, but they’ll reveal it just the same. 

The average person misses the subtle signs that give away deception, but the savvy conversationalist never does.  

Enjoy…

-jef

Occasionally I get invitiations to guest-post on other blogs, and sometime last year I got one from Seth Simonds, who runs the popular relationship advice blog, thedatingpapers.com.   He asked me to write a piece on deception in personal relationships, something I thought you might be interested in.  The original title on Seth’s blog was, ‘Is My Partner Lying to Me?  5 Questions You Can Ask to Find the Truth’.

So at the risk of violating some unwritten ‘blog etiquette’, I thought I’d re-post it here for you, just in case you missed it.  Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to comment with any thoughts of your own… here we go:

A few weeks ago I was traveling between several cities out West, and on the flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake I heard one of the flight attendants say a word that always catches my attention:  Liar.  She was talking to her counterpart about a personal relationship, and she was obviously upset.  “I know he’s lying to me,” she told the other woman. 

Am I an eavesdropper?  Hey, it’s close quarters, you hear everything—one of the drawbacks of not having your own jet.

Was she being lied to?  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

The danger with deception is that everyone does it, but virtually no one knows the real techniques for spotting it.  After all, they didn’t teach us this stuff in school, did they. 

So most people are left to rely on: 

1-Gut instinct (worthless)

2-Myth techniques that have been passed around for years, like “liars won’t look you in the eye” (worthless), and

3-Home-brewed techniques they’ve erroneously placed faith in, ie, “John gets that little crease in his brow every time he lies” (worse yet).

Sure, deception abounds in media, business, and social circles, but it’s most destructive during communication in personal relationships.  And we’re actually more susceptible to deception that comes from the people closest to us, only because we have more trust in those people.  Trust breeds comfort, and the defenses go down.  That’s as it should be—but it presents a vulnerability when a spouse or partner finds the need to deceive us.

Why are people deceptive?  Deception is typically used in personal relationships for self-preservation.  We’ve done something we don’t want the other to know about, so we conceal it. 

A less obvious variation:  Lying to save the other person’s feelings—a little more benevolent, but still a form a self-preservation.  Consider this:  When they ask our opinion, how eager are we to tell our partner we don’t like what they’re wearing?  A lie at one of these moments preserves all.

Body language is the buzz-word of the “deception industry” and it has some limited validity, but think of this: 

How do people lie? 

With their bodies… or with their words? 

People may reveal information through body movements, but they use words to deceive us—and so words hold the greatest power to reveal that deception.  To go even deeper, here’s a little secret that few appreciate:  Whether your aim is to influence, create rapport, or get at the truth, nothing gives you more power in conversation than having a mastery of how to ask questions—and knowing how to interpret what you get back. 

So let’s get to it, here are your 5 Tips for Detecting Deception in Personal Relationships:

#1-Did They Hesitate—The average person probably subscribes to my Deception Myth #11:  “A person who hesitates is lying.” (false) 

Here’s the real deal:  To judge whether a person who hesitates before answering is deceptive, we have to consider the question.  Some naturally require a moment of thought, for example:  “What did you eat for lunch last Tuesday?” (draws on memory) or “Who do you think will win the next presidential race?” (draws on imagination).     

If, on the other hand, you asked, “Did you talk to Janet this morning?” there should be no hesitation—unless the person is considering a deceptive response.  Because this question concerns fact, and a very recent event, an honest person shouldn’t need to hesitate before giving you the answer.

Hesitation can be a very reliable sign of deception, just be sure to consider the question; is it reasonable that a person would need just a moment to come up with the answer?

#2-Avoidance—Given that I told you “everyone” uses deception, it might surprise you that I now give you this:  People usually tell the truth. 

The catch?  Here’s my Deception Myth #46:  Telling the truth is not the same as being honest.  Believe it or not, people avoid outright lying if they can, and one alternative is to speak the truth… but just avoid subjects they’d rather conceal from you.

So rather than lie, a person who wants to keep something from you can simply change the subject, give an indirect answer, or even tell the truth—while leaving out the details he doesn’t want you to know.  This way he accomplishes the deception and avoids the tricky and dangerous sport of lying.

An example:  Now, I wasn’t in Phoenix last weekend, but suppose I wanted you to believe that I was.  If you were to ask me, “Jef, did you have fun in Phoenix last weekend?”  I could reply, “I always have fun in Phoenix, I love that city.  Have you ever been there?” 

Without actually telling a lie, I confirmed your belief that I was in Phoenix simply by avoiding the question.  People routinely avoid what they don’t want to discuss, and they’ll often divert you by throwing a question back at you, as I just did… so it’s up to you to notice when they violate this next Tip:

#3-Did They Answer… or Just Respond—Most folks don’t notice when their questions go unanswered.  Many times we get a response, rather than a substantive answer.

When you fail to pick up on non-answers, you leave yourself open to the tactic of Avoidance I mentioned in the last Tip.

So why do we fail to notice when a person gives a response instead of an answer?  Most of us are so consumed with our own thoughts, and what we’re going to say next, that we just don’t listen well.  Too, a lot of these non-answer responses sound intelligent, may be lengthy, and they do address something, just not the question we asked. 

So we get distracted by what they’re saying, and we fail to notice that they avoided our question.  Watch any political news conference and you’ll masters at work.  Politicians rarely give direct answers, and they’re even more rarely called on it.  Like never.

In fairness, sometimes people fail to give a substantive answer because of their own internal distractions.  It’s not that they’re being deceptive, just that they aren’t listening so well themselves, and are consumed with what they want to say.

I’ve always had a “3 Strikes & You’re Out” policy.  If a person fails to give a direct answer on the same subject three times, it’s safe to conclude they don’t want to address it.

Always ask yourself, “Was that an answer… or a response?”

#4-Did They Revisit the Question—Back when I was a police detective interrogating crooks, I had a burglary suspect in my office one day.  It was just the two of us, the door was closed, there were no distractions, and we were eye-to-eye just feet apart.  I asked him in a clear voice, “Did you break into the house?”  He hesitated, then said, “Who me?

This is an example that embodies the first three Tips above, all rolled into one!  He hesitated, he avoided giving an honest answer, and he gave me a mere response.

If you ask a simple, direct, question (and you always should), and there’s no logical reason for them to have not heard you clearly, they’re buying time to think through their options.   

If a person says, “Could you say that again?”, “What?”, or repeats your question back to you verbatim, they’re Revisiting the Question.  Stick with it, you’re onto something. 

#5-Don’t Ask for the Lie—Rather than a technique for spotting deception, this one’s actually a pitfall that can inadvertently land you in deeper chaos if you don’t avoid it.

No one likes being lied to or deceived (the ego is fierce beast, isn’t it?)  So when we know about something “bad” our partner has done, we already feel wronged. 

Especially in personal relationships, we often know the truth already.  Rather than exploring, we’re testing.  And deep down we want them to fail the test.  So instinct (and ego) leads us to ask a question that’s unwittingly designed to get them to lie to us. 

And when they predictably lie, now we have two offenses: 1-the original act, and 2-their lie about it… which we needlessly invited.

If you already know the truth, don’t ask about it.  Instead, tell them what you know with absolute confidence and certainty, and move on to addressing it. 

Hard as it may be, a great way to do this is by demonstrating some empathy and allowing them to save face.  Depending on the circumstances, lines like, “We all make mistakes,” or “I can understand why it seemed right at the time,” or “I just want to know why you did it,” can ease the way for their owning up.

The idea of reading body language is alluring, but the underlying key to spotting deception?  Listening.  Speak less, keep your ears open, and notice the subtleties in what people say to you. 

What you’ll find is that they’re giving you more information than they realize, and more than they intended.

It’s “celebrated” in many countries, goes back to at least the 14th Century, and is practiced in some places according to the time of day.  Can get pretty intricate.  You can see a general history of it here.

Some people get pretty elaborate and use the day for cover to execute pranks on the unsuspecting.  If you’re the mischevious type, or you just want to know what you might be in for, you can get some ideas here.  Then there are those few who aren’t confined by the calendar, and regard every day as April Fools’, like my friend Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka, who runs Something Awful.

It’s safe to say that most people don’t think of April Fools’ Day until they actually see the date, or worse, they’re “Fooled”.  In that case, it becomes a cascading thing, where the victimized look for a victim.  You know, pass on the grief? 

Not having enough notice to prepare a worthy prank, those who realize the day is already upon them often just resort to something on the fly, like telling a quick lie.  That’s right, this is the day that you can lie… and get a way with it!  It’s the one day of the year anyone can “legitimately” lie, and pass it off as tradition. 

Being in the business of teaching others how to spot deception, I just figured it was my job to give you advance notice what tomorrow will bring… or offer.  I should mention that some have critized Conquering Deception© for divulging too much about police interrogation techniques, alleging this knowledge can actually help those who want to be deceptive.  My audio “How to Tell a Lie and Get Away With It” (you can have that FREE by putting your email address in at the upper right) really does tell how to… lie and get away with it!  The idea is to teach you how to tell if someone is lying; but anything powerful can be used for ill purposes, right?    

Anyway, I just wanted to give you time to prepare:  For what might be headed your way… or a little surpise for the unsuspecting. 

Kill or be killed, do or be done. 

The choice is always yours, you know.

Good luck, gave fun,

-jef

I never questioned the title until I re-read it this week, and something ironic occurred to me. 

The Toyota story wasn’t about bad brakes; they worked fine, didn’t they?  The problem was just the opposite:  Too much gas! 

But consider this, having no way to stop and having too much power brings the same exact result:  An out of control vehicle.

Is a little strange that two opposites could be contained in the same thing?  You may have seen a version of the drawing here… it appears to be an image of one person, but if you stare at it long enough, another image appears.

This is a great metaphor for the way deception—when employed at its best—works:  A person makes a statement that leads you to a false conclusion. 

Suppose you believe John went to Miami last week, and you ask, “John, did you have fun in Miami?”  If he didn’t go to Miami, but would like to believe he did, he can simply say, “Who can’t have fun in Miami?  I always have a blast there!” 

Confirming false notions is just one way people deceive others without having to tell an outright lie.  John leads you to conclude he did in fact go to Miami… without actually saying it.     

So deception is usually a matter of twisted perception—ours.  One of the most common techniques is to throw just enough information out that we’re lured into drawing a false conclusion, the one they want us to leave with, of course.

You’ve heard the worn-out saying about whether the glass in half-empty or half full?  When you’re evaluating the words people speak, always ask yourself:  “What’s in the glass… and what’s missing?”

So if you’re interested in how to spot deception, here’s The Golden Rule nobody ever told you:  Don’t do the work for them… if they didn’t say, be careful not to infer it.

-jef

When news broke this week about the accelerator sticking on a California man’s Prius, the media reported it as factual, and average people said to one another, “Hey,  did you hear about that runaway Toyota?!” 

If you’re like me, you don’t take these things at face value.  Instead of  “Hey,  did you hear about that runaway Toyota?!” you may have wondered, “Could that have really happened?”  Just like the duality of conversation, most news stories have multiple layers of meaning.  “Hey did you hear…” is the first layer in this story, it’s as deep as most people will go.  Questioning the truthfulness of the story is the second layer in this case. 

For me, at least, there also happens to be a third layer with this story—I’ll tell you what it is at the end. 

Before I give you my thoughts on this case, you should check out the three minute Youtube clip above.  Watch and listen carefully to the interview snippets with Sikes and make note of anything you think is revealing.

Okay, now that you’ve given the video your Columbo eye, let’s take a look at whether Jim Sikes is shooting us straight.  What the reporters say is all fluff… true story or not, they’ve bought it, and are trying to make it as dramatic as possible, so they’re irrelevant in finding the truth.  The revealing stuff is always found by watching the direct participants as they tell their story. 

At 1:13 the first interview snippet begins.  Evaluating his statement would be much easier if the entire interview were shown, but we have some telling points in these clips; in this first piece he is looking in all directions, his thoughts seem to be a little disjointed, and he seems slightly uncomfortable… maybe that’s the understandable discomfort of being interviewed by a news crew.

1:32 — Sikes says he nearly hit a truck twice, “once early in the game”.  This is an odd way to refer to the incident:  As a game.  A deceptive person knows the truth, and it’s ever-present in their mind, even as they speak dishonestly about it.  The difficult part for them is to filter out their truthful thoughts… from what they want to release.  In every instance, pieces of those thoughts they want to hold back get tangled with what they consciously choose to release.  Was it a game to him?  Is there some fun in this for him?  People always convey what they mean, but you have to listen closely. 

1:36  As he references nearly hitting the second truck, Sikes chuckles slightly.  Did he think it was funny as it was happening?  Does he think it’s funny now?  Did it really happen to begin with?  Always notice oddly-timed laughter, and consider whether it fits with the subject being discussed. 

2:02 The interview resumes… notice the ’goggle eye’ look.  He’s gazing down and around much of the time.  He doesn’t appear to be confident, and his speech pattern is a bit choppy.   

2:14 After saying twice that the floor mat was fine, he chuckles again… in this case it seems to be a hesitation device that people often use when being deceptive.  He’s repeating himself, and seem nervous, which often causes ill-timed laughter.

2:22 The interview shifts to Sikes recounting what happened when the trooper was next to him—which is the one part of the whole event we know is factual.  Notice the difference in his manner when he tells about this; he looks at a level gaze toward the interviewer and he lacks the searching gaze we’ve seen before—and the goggle eyes.  He now seems more comfortable, confident, and his thoughts are coming to him more easily.  As he finishes up he makes sure to tells us that the car had “been at 94″.

If you throw away everything else, this one thing is telling, and many wouldn’t even stop to consider it:  Sikes is willing to stand in the Toyota parking lot and give an interview.  Would the average person want to do this?  How about you?  Are you ready to hold a news conference tomorrow afternoon?

So now let’s get to the third layer of this story that I alluded to earlier.  Hasn’t this 61 year old man developed enough experience, wisdom, and savvy to handle himself when the unknown presents itself? 

These days there’s always somebody to call for help, and many of us have lost the ability to take charge and take care of business for ourselves.  Once upon a time, we had to be ingenious enough to think on our own… or we didn’t survive.  Now that life is more comfortable than ever, it seems the cave-man in each of us is dying away.

So let’s accept that Sikes’ accelerator was actually stuck; why did he need help to get the car stopped?  Hardly a muscle car, the Prius is one of the weakest rides on the road.  The brakes were capable of slowing it down, and absent that he could have just put the transmission in neutral, turned off the ignition, and coasted to a stop.

Surely a guy who wears a Corvette Owners Club jacket can handle himself when his lawn mower gets away from him.

________________________________________________________________

So what do you think?  Do you believe Jim Sikes?  Did you find something I missed?  Let me know your thoughts, leave a comment…

-jef