I just returned from a speaking appearance on the East Coast, and I made a point to my audience that dovetails nicely with what I’m about to tell you in this post.  The underlying principle that makes the 7th Reason People Ask You Questions so powerful is this, and it’s what I told the folks attending my event:  “People want to believe themselves, not you.  If you want to influence another person, allow them to arrive at your conclusion through their own reasoning.”

First, I should say “thanks” to all those who ventured guesses at what the elusive 7th reason might be.  And congratulations to Calvin for nailing it.  Some of you came up with reasons that I hadn’t—very good ones, too—proving once again that my readers not only have an interest in improving their talents for savvy conversation, but already have a grasp of it far beyond the “average” person.

So the 7th reason people ask you questions is:  To lead you to their conclusion.

Clever marketers and salesmen have long used this technique, but most people don’t know when it’s been used on them, or more importantly how to use it on others.

For instance, when an ad campaign proclaims, “96% of our customers say they would recommend us to their family and friends” they’re leading the listener to a subconscious conclusion:  “Customers are overwhelmingly happy with the service… it must be great!”  To allow the listener to draw his own conclusion (of the marketer’s choosing) is far more powerful than just saying, “Our customers are overwhelmingly happy with the service… it’s great!”

People don’t want to be told what to do, and they sure don’t want to be told what to think.  But if you gently lead them to a logical conclusion—without actually giving it to them—they’ll accept it because it was theirs. 

Insinuate…

Drop hints…

Allude to what is logical, but stop short of giving them the conclusion… 

Casually mention what other, un-involved people have said or opined on the subject…

Gently lay out the dots, but have the patience and foresight to let the person connect them and draw their own picture.

You can usually find a way to subtly steer the conversation or a particular subject in your direction, toward the answer you’d like them to arrive at.  Is this manipulative?  No, it’s leadership.  It’s also the best way to negotiate. 

Don’t you routinely have conversations where you need another person to come around to your way of thinking? 

If you really want to know how to influence others, here’s a little secret:  You can’t order them to accept your position… they must be allowed to conclude it themselves. 

And this technique of leading another person’s thoughts is actually much more civil than the way we typically try to gain their acceptance of our ideas:  Through debate, insistence, or argument.  These strategies—which aren’t really strategies, just our egos getting the best of us—may feel justified or necessary in the moment, but they won’t get you the results you’re after. 

If all this still seems elusive, just keep it in mnd the next time you have a conversation where you need another person to accept your ideas—I’m betting you’ll be able to figure out the details and make this little-known technique work for you.

Enjoy,

-jef

Tags: manipulation, Negotiation, Subterfuge

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