Most people don’t ask a lot of questions (their loss).

 

When they do ask, virtually EVERYONE fails to fully capitalize on the power of questions (HUGE missed opportunities).

 

I can’t overstate how important it is that you ask good questions of others, regardless the context of the conversation.  Questions are the most powerful conversational weapon you can master—so powerful that asking them the wrong way can bring you negative results… even elicit deception where it wouldn’t have otherwise happened. 

 

During a lot of my public speaking events I teach the simple techniques for leveraging questions so that deception isn’t invited… and results and information are maximized.

 

Something I’ve never spoken publicly about though, are the reasons people ask questions… but I’m giving them to you here in the hope you can find something that will help you out a bit in your next conversation:

 

So here they are, the 6 Reasons People Ask You Questions:

 

1—To Hear You Agree with Them…  This may come as a shock, but here’s the hard—and weird—reality:  When another person asks you for your honest opinion, they generally don’t want to hear it. 

What are they really after?  Your agreement with them. 

 

People like to be right. 

 

People generally think they are right. 

 

The only thing missing?  Your acknowledgment that they’re right!

 

Whether it seemed this way or not at the time, throughout your whole life people have been asking you questions they didn’t want answers to.  What were they looking for?  Your agreement or approval.  And generally their questions concern one of these three categories:

 

Past actions:  Regret is a powerful negative energy, and one of the worst you can put upon yourself, just behind guilt (which is the source of regret).

 

To alleviate guilt and regret, a person will often seek assurance from another person that they were right—or at least justified at the moment—in doing what they did. Deny them this escape hatch and they’ll turn on you.

 

Future actions:  A person will often ask you what they “should do”.  Let’s face it, knowing what we should do in any given situation is usually pretty easy.  The actual dilemma is this:  People often want to do something other than what they should do.  And to justify it, they’ll seek your endorsement.  They want outside approval for doing what they want to do… instead of what they should do.

 

Opinions:  Thoughts are the most personal possessions we have.  Our second most personal possessions?  Our opinions. 

 

It’s interesting that the closer a subject is to them, the less another person will want to hear your honest opinion on that subject.  Example:  Make a comment about a stranger walking down the street and the shoes he’s wearing, and the person you’re speaking to probably won’t be offended.  Make a comment about his shoes… and he’ll be highly miffed.  Or worse.

 

Has another person ever asked for your opinion… and then disagreed with it?  That was because he really didn’t want to hear your take… he wanted to hear you reaffirm his opinion, or endorse his actions.

 

2—To Get Your Honest Opinion… Hey, I know it came quick, but here’s where I contradict what I just said in the last point.  All rules have exceptions, you know, and here’s a rare one to that one:  There are times, especially in personal matters, where a person truly wants your input:

 

—Doing what we should is sometimes uncomfortable, especially when it’s easy to see that turmoil could follow.  In those instances, people want a little back up before going in:  “Should I tell Mary that Bud’s seeing Sheila?”

 

—And we all have moments of true indecision, where we have several options and absolutely no idea which fork in the road is best.  If a person says to you, “I don’t know what to do,” you can take that as confirmation that your honest opinion is truly being solicited. 

 

If another person really is open to your honest opinion, it means you have their absolute trust.  When someone does the rare thing of revealing their honest thoughts to you—or asks for yours—consider it a compliment.  It’s certification of their confidence in you.

 

3—To Hear You Disagree with Their Question… Sometimes you’ll run into the contrarian who wants to get under your skin, or just have some fun debating over a topic they know you’re passionate about.  These types will ask you questions with the aim of:  1-Pursuing a little fun, or… 2-Proving you wrong.  Think politics and religion.

 

Oh, and surely you’ve met one of those types who never pass up an opportunity to contradict or correct another person?  They’re close cousins to the people who always have a better or more outrageous example of the story that’s just been told—the notorious ‘One-uppers’.

 

4—They Already Know the Answer… There’s an adage that “A good attorney knows the answer to a question before he asks it”.  Overlooking the argument we could have about the existence of “good attorneys” let’s go straight to the point:  Sometimes people already know the answer to the question they’re asking you. 

 

It’s not about exploration. 

 

It’s not about confirmation. 

 

It’s an effort to see if you’ll lie to them.

 

I guest-posted a while back on Seth Simonds’ www.thedatingpapers.com and touched on this, well… touchy subject.  Whether they realize it or not going in, when people ask questions designed to “test” the recipient, they’re actually “asking for the lie”—bad idea.  These moves always lead to another level of deception and resentment.

 

So Beware:  If you’re on the receiving end of this little baby you could be in big trouble.  Why is honesty always the best policy?  Well, partly because you never know what the other guy knows… when he’s asking you a question. 

 

5—To Demonstrate How Smart They Are… You’ve heard the worn-out adage, “The only dumb question is the one that isn’t asked”.  Maybe you’ve also been subjected to the person asks dumb questions!  It may have been in a classroom, a seminar, or a teleconference… in any gathering of people there seems to be at least one person who asks questions that have obvious answers, are asked with no apparent reason, or aim to show the prowess of the person asking. 

 

6—Because They’re Curious… Wow, how crazy is this one?  Asking a question out of sheer curiousity. 

 

Listen to any conversation, and what you’ll find is that everybody’s talking about themselves.  It’s the rare genius who knows well enough to sit back and listen… and ask questions.  It’s amazing the information people will voluntarily hand over if you’ll give them the chance. 

 

Show interest, ask good questions, and people will love you for it. 

 

Why?  

 

Because you’ll probably be the only person they’ve run into all day (or all week) who was willing to show genuine interest and just listen to them.

 

Curiosity:  This is the best—and one of the rarest—reasons for asking a question.

 

7—I’ll keep this one to myself for the time being… but if you can guess it, I’ll send you a signed copy of my book as a gift for your shrewdness, and mail you a copy of my limited access audio CD, How to Handle a Cop:  What to Do, Say, and Avoid the Next Time You’re Stopped©.

 

A Hint:  The 7^th reason can be more sinister than any of the ones I’ve just given you.

 

-jef

 

Refer this blog post to a friend or colleague…

Tags: questions

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010 at 11:30 pm and is filed under Word Strategy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.