Occasionally I get invitiations to guest-post on other blogs, and sometime last year I got one from Seth Simonds, who runs the popular relationship advice blog, thedatingpapers.com.   He asked me to write a piece on deception in personal relationships, something I thought you might be interested in.  The original title on Seth’s blog was, ‘Is My Partner Lying to Me?  5 Questions You Can Ask to Find the Truth’.

 

So at the risk of violating some unwritten ‘blog etiquette’, I thought I’d re-post it here for you, just in case you missed it.  Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to comment with any thoughts of your own… here we go:

 

A few weeks ago I was traveling between several cities out West, and on the flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake I heard one of the flight attendants say a word that always catches my attention:  Liar.  She was talking to her counterpart about a personal relationship, and she was obviously upset.  “I know he’s lying to me,” she told the other woman. 

 

Am I an eavesdropper?  Hey, it’s close quarters, you hear everything—one of the drawbacks of not having your own jet.

 

Was she being lied to?  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

 

The danger with deception is that everyone does it, but virtually no one knows the real techniques for spotting it.  After all, they didn’t teach us this stuff in school, did they. 

 

So most people are left to rely on: 

 

1-Gut instinct (worthless)

 

2-Myth techniques that have been passed around for years, like “liars won’t look you in the eye” (worthless), and

 

3-Home-brewed techniques they’ve erroneously placed faith in, ie, “John gets that little crease in his brow every time he lies” (worse yet).

 

Sure, deception abounds in media, business, and social circles, but it’s most destructive during communication in personal relationships.  And we’re actually more susceptible to deception that comes from the people closest to us, only because we have more trust in those people.  Trust breeds comfort, and the defenses go down.  That’s as it should be—but it presents a vulnerability when a spouse or partner finds the need to deceive us.

 

Why are people deceptive?  Deception is typically used in personal relationships for self-preservation.  We’ve done something we don’t want the other to know about, so we conceal it. 

 

A less obvious variation:  Lying to save the other person’s feelings—a little more benevolent, but still a form a self-preservation.  Consider this:  When they ask our opinion, how eager are we to tell our partner we don’t like what they’re wearing?  A lie at one of these moments preserves all.

 

Body language is the buzz-word of the “deception industry” and it has some limited validity, but think of this: 

 

How do people lie? 

 

With their bodies… or with their words? 

 

People may reveal information through body movements, but they use words to deceive us—and so words hold the greatest power to reveal that deception.  To go even deeper, here’s a little secret that few appreciate:  Whether your aim is to influence, create rapport, or get at the truth, nothing gives you more power in conversation than having a mastery of how to ask questions—and knowing how to interpret what you get back. 

 

So let’s get to it, here are your 5 Tips for Detecting Deception in Personal Relationships:

 

#1-Did They Hesitate—The average person probably subscribes to my Deception Myth #11:  “A person who hesitates is lying.” (false) 

 

Here’s the real deal:  To judge whether a person who hesitates before answering is deceptive, we have to consider the question.  Some naturally require a moment of thought, for example:  “What did you eat for lunch last Tuesday?” (draws on memory) or “Who do you think will win the next presidential race?” (draws on imagination).     

 

If, on the other hand, you asked, “Did you talk to Janet this morning?” there should be no hesitation—unless the person is considering a deceptive response.  Because this question concerns fact, and a very recent event, an honest person shouldn’t need to hesitate before giving you the answer.

 

Hesitation can be a very reliable sign of deception, just be sure to consider the question; is it reasonable that a person would need just a moment to come up with the answer?

 

#2-Avoidance—Given that I told you “everyone” uses deception, it might surprise you that I now give you this:  People usually tell the truth. 

 

The catch?  Here’s my Deception Myth #46:  Telling the truth is not the same as being honest.  Believe it or not, people avoid outright lying if they can, and one alternative is to speak the truth… but just avoid subjects they’d rather conceal from you.

 

So rather than lie, a person who wants to keep something from you can simply change the subject, give an indirect answer, or even tell the truth—while leaving out the details he doesn’t want you to know.  This way he accomplishes the deception and avoids the tricky and dangerous sport of lying.

 

An example:  Now, I wasn’t in Phoenix last weekend, but suppose I wanted you to believe that I was.  If you were to ask me, “Jef, did you have fun in Phoenix last weekend?”  I could reply, “I always have fun in Phoenix, I love that city.  Have you ever been there?” 

 

Without actually telling a lie, I confirmed your belief that I was in Phoenix simply by avoiding the question.  People routinely avoid what they don’t want to discuss, and they’ll often divert you by throwing a question back at you, as I just did… so it’s up to you to notice when they violate this next Tip:

 

#3-Did They Answer… or Just Respond—Most folks don’t notice when their questions go unanswered.  Many times we get a response, rather than a substantive answer.

 

When you fail to pick up on non-answers, you leave yourself open to the tactic of Avoidance I mentioned in the last Tip.

 

So why do we fail to notice when a person gives a response instead of an answer?  Most of us are so consumed with our own thoughts, and what we’re going to say next, that we just don’t listen well.  Too, a lot of these non-answer responses sound intelligent, may be lengthy, and they do address something, just not the question we asked. 

 

So we get distracted by what they’re saying, and we fail to notice that they avoided our question.  Watch any political news conference and you’ll masters at work.  Politicians rarely give direct answers, and they’re even more rarely called on it.  Like never.

 

In fairness, sometimes people fail to give a substantive answer because of their own internal distractions.  It’s not that they’re being deceptive, just that they aren’t listening so well themselves, and are consumed with what they want to say.

 

I’ve always had a “3 Strikes & You’re Out” policy.  If a person fails to give a direct answer on the same subject three times, it’s safe to conclude they don’t want to address it.

 

Always ask yourself, “Was that an answer… or a response?”

 

#4-Did They Revisit the Question—Back when I was a police detective interrogating crooks, I had a burglary suspect in my office one day.  It was just the two of us, the door was closed, there were no distractions, and we were eye-to-eye just feet apart.  I asked him in a clear voice, “Did you break into the house?”  He hesitated, then said, “Who me?

 

This is an example that embodies the first three Tips above, all rolled into one!  He hesitated, he avoided giving an honest answer, and he gave me a mere response.

 

If you ask a simple, direct, question (and you always should), and there’s no logical reason for them to have not heard you clearly, they’re buying time to think through their options.   

 

If a person says, “Could you say that again?”, “What?”, or repeats your question back to you verbatim, they’re Revisiting the Question.  Stick with it, you’re onto something. 

 

#5-Don’t Ask for the Lie—Rather than a technique for spotting deception, this one’s actually a pitfall that can inadvertently land you in deeper chaos if you don’t avoid it.

 

No one likes being lied to or deceived (the ego is fierce beast, isn’t it?)  So when we know about something “bad” our partner has done, we already feel wronged. 

 

Especially in personal relationships, we often know the truth already.  Rather than exploring, we’re testing.  And deep down we want them to fail the test.  So instinct (and ego) leads us to ask a question that’s unwittingly designed to get them to lie to us. 

 

And when they predictably lie, now we have two offenses: 1-the original act, and 2-their lie about it… which we needlessly invited.

 

If you already know the truth, don’t ask about it.  Instead, tell them what you know with absolute confidence and certainty, and move on to addressing it. 

 

Hard as it may be, a great way to do this is by demonstrating some empathy and allowing them to save face.  Depending on the circumstances, lines like, “We all make mistakes,” or “I can understand why it seemed right at the time,” or “I just want to know why you did it,” can ease the way for their owning up.

 

The idea of reading body language is alluring, but the underlying key to spotting deception?  Listening.  Speak less, keep your ears open, and notice the subtleties in what people say to you. 

 

What you’ll find is that they’re giving you more information than they realize, and more than they intended.

 

Tags: Deception, lying, personal relationships

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 25th, 2010 at 6:58 pm and is filed under Deception. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.