Signs of Lying—The Number One Mistake People Make When Asking a Question (Plus a Tip for Getting a Free Shot of Espresso)…
Today was a perfect day. I won’t bore you with all the reasons why, just one…
My wife and I had another one of those rare outings without the sprouts this afternoon, and we predictably topped off a late lunch with a latte from our favorite coffee joint.
Yes, it’s the same place I told you about in my Mental Outsourcing post.
No, I still don’t enjoy girl drinks. When Dean McDermott owns up to to it, I will too. So yes, once again I just politely drank some of Missy’s.
Anyway, here’s why I’m writing this: Aside from having a good time today, I was unexpectedly reminded of a questioning technique I’ve known (and used) for years, one you’ll definitely benefit from if you’ll put it to use. Oddly enough, it came back to me when I was ordering that coffee (for my wife).
So get this: A small latte comes stock with two shots of espresso. But since Missy wanted me to drink some of hers, we opted to get a medium. Surprisingly, a medium doesn’t have any extra espresso, just more steamed milk, so it tastes a little watered down. So to beef it back up to where it ought to be, I decided to order an extra shot of espresso, for a total of three. Got it?
Waiting for the drink: I heard the person who took my order tell the barista, “Medium latte, extra shot.” But if I hadn’t known what the order was, I wouldn’t have understood what she’d said. She was walking past the barista, she mumbled it, and there was a lot of other noise in the shop.
So my skeptical side kicked in. Or was it… distrust. Or pessimism. Or the unthinkable: Insecurity? Yikes. Whatever the source of it, I started to consider there was a possibility the third shot wouldn’t make it into the drink.
The showdown: When you want to know something, just ask. It’s the simplest way to find out anything, right?
So before you go any further, stop and consider this: If you were going to ask the barista a question about how many shots went into your latte, what exactly would you say? Stop here, look away, and ask the question aloud.
If you’re like most people, you’d say: “Did you put three shots in this?”
Seems like a reasonable way to ask the question, right? But it’s designed to fail you. Instead, here’s what I asked the barista: “How many shots did you put in this?”
Now at face value, these might seem to be virtually the same:
“Did you put three shots in this?”
“How many shots did you put in this?”
But here’s the trick: The first one is a closed question that provides the answer.
The second version is an open question that gives no guidance… and forces the recipient to generate an original answer.
If you want an insightful answer, don’t give the other person any help. This is the single biggest mistake people make when they ask questions of others: They provide the answer in the question. We do this instinctively. Out of politeness. Out of habit. Without thinking.
“Did you go to Ed’s house last night?”
“What time is the meeting, 10 o’clock?”
“Who do you think is the best salesman we’ve got… Richard?”
A deceptive person can mislead you by simply saying, “Yes.” And an honest person who doesn’t want to invest a little thought can just agree… without really thinking about their answer.
Questions are the most powerful tool you have at your disposal in ANY conversation. The downside? There a LOT of mistakes that people commonly make in asking them. Great questions aren’t difficult to construct, but you do have to know a few tricks. If you’ve already got a copy of Conquering Deception© , you know I have all the ins and outs detailed there for you, and it’s pretty simple to get the truth with the right questions, styled in the right ways.
Not only can badly styled questions fail to uncover the truth, they can actually reveal to the other person what you know… or don’t know. Not good.
So what was the barista’s answer? ”Four shots.” And she apologized for taking the liberty of adding yet another one to our latte. But it was fine by me, no offense taken.
So here’s your tip I promised about getting an extra shot of espresso in your drink: Since they always make shots in pairs, if you’ve just ordered one, they’ll have to throw the other out. About half the time, they’ll ask you if you want the extra shot thrown in… free, of course.
Have I ever exploited this? No. But I’ve never turned down the extra shot, either. If you’re the manipulative type, though, I thought you might want to know.
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Feel free to leave a comment with any thoughts… about coffee, clever questions, or just tips on how to get free stuff.
Thanks, and have a great one!
-jef
Tags: questions
I don’t drink coffee… but my girl might enjoy an extra shot or two
Yeah, a little extra octane is usually good for any of us… there is the risk of over-amping them, of course, got to know when to stop.
Should it be done with full disclosure?
Missy didn’t know there were 4 shots in the drink until she read the post.
Thanks A!
I’ve found myself on both ends of this scenario…I’ve asked questions where I gave the answer and then wondered if they were really telling the truth, and where I’ve been asked the question with the answer (and I hate to admit that I haven’t always been truthful with my answer). As the people answering, I understand that we want to protect ourselves but I wonder why, as the asker, we do this? Do you have any thoughts on this?
P.S. As a former Barista, I’ll say your absolutely right about getting the extra shot free. But there’s another tip - smile. We used to give the customers who were nice to us not only free shots, but oftentimes their entire drink free!
Why do we ask questions this way? Well, part of it’s subconscious, we know the answer–or just suspect it–so we include it in the question… our thoughts coming out in our words (which people to do ALL the time, something that can work greatly to your benefit, and a lot of my techniques draw on this).
The other part of it is that it’s, for a lack of a better word… politeness. It tempers the sharpness of our question. It seems less abrupt to say, “Did you go to Rupert’s house last night?” than to say, “Where did you go last night?”.
Another thing I teach, you’ll notice, is that the best questions are lean and mean (being figurative here)–they get to the point with no filler. Less always equates to more when it comes to questions. You have to obligate them, even if it runs contrary to instinct. In this case, help them out, and well… you help them out… and get less back in return.
An aside: In my example just above, an alternative to asking a question, it would be more powerful say, “Did you have fun at Rupert’s house last night?” The caveat: ONLY to be used when you’re SURE of the facts. But it cuts the deception down to about zero if you know what you’re talking about. That’s because everyone is deception from time time, but NO ONE wants to be caught at it. People generally own up to what can be proven or is already known.
So you were a barista, cool! Glad my experience is confirmed by someone with experience on the other side!
And a GREAT TIP about the smile. Gets you far. Think of the free drinks the demanding/rude/curt coffee mongers have missed out on.
Good stuff, hope that answers for you… Sorry for the late reply, Amy, just in from CO tonight, little behind!
-jef