The 3 Fears Nobody Talks About: Darkness, Solitude, & Silence—Which One Scares You Most? (Plus a Challenge…)
When was the last time you were in total darkness? I mean no night-lights or street lights, no alarm clocks glowing, no moonlight slipping through the blinds: I’m talking TOTAL darkness.
Doesn’t happen too often.
Usually a bit of light from something, right?
And when we were kids, this was a blessing, wasn’t it? Light was reassuring, it meant safety.
I’m not asking you to admit it publicly, but weren’t you scared of the dark just a little… when you were little? Did you ever take a running jump into bed on the off chance that something underneath it might try to reach for your ankle?
Consider this: That wasn’t really due to a fear of under-bed-dwelling monsters… it was fear of the dark. The proof? Standing by the edge of the bed during daylight wasn’t scary at all.
With a little age, most of us get over the fear of ordinary darkness, only to find it’s replaced by a fear of solitude. Some people are content living alone their whole lives, never marrying, never living with another person. But this isn’t the norm.
It’s more typical that even if we live alone early in adulthood, we get to a point where we want companionship. It can even become a panic that leads us to bad decisions. Surely you’ve known someone who thought “the clock’s ticking”—biological or otherwise—and they believed marriage would stop it.
Though we may kid ourselves into thinking otherwise, what moves us to find companionship isn’t the fear of time, it’s the fear of being alone.
Then there’s the fear of silence. The people who contentedly live alone for a lifetime probably aren’t bothered so much by it, but the rest of us hate the sound of silence. The strangest part? We don’t even realize that we fear it, or recognize the lengths we go to in avoiding it.
The only time most of us get absolute silence is at night, in bed, as we go to sleep. It usually doesn’t last long, but even then we want to quash it. We keep the TV on. Or a radio. Or listen to an MP3 player. Or turn a fan on—and despite what we tell ourselves, it’s not the air we’re after… it’s the sound.
You might have noticed it’s been a couple of weeks since my last post; you could say I’ve been ”out of the loop”. The first week, some business needs took me to New Mexico and Arizona. There’s nothing like the desert, and I try to make the most of being there any time I go. Cities are noisy, busy, and… suffocating. The desert is expansive, uncluttered, and quiet. If you’ve overcome your fears of darkness, solitude, and silence—or you want to—go to the Sonoran Desert and spend a night alone… or several.
Not interested? If not… why not? Be honest: Does your real objection, at a subconscious level, have anything to do with being in the dark, alone, and in total quiet? If so, you’re in good company.
The second week I traveled to the Ozark Mountains where I spent several days at Hermit Walt’s ranch (that’s no plane in the picture, it’s a hummingbird just by chance, about 15 feet from me).
The landscape is totally different from the Southwest, of course, but the features I value are the same: Quiet remoteness. We spent several days swapping stories and life philosophies. Those notebooks I told you about in my post on How to Write a Masterpiece? I dang near filled ‘em up out at Walt’s place.
Walt is a guy who’s chosen to leave suburbia and live alone on a few hundred acres in the middle of nowhere. No cell phone, no cable TV, and no internet. During an ice storm three years ago he lost power and subsisted for nine days by grilling deer meat, heating his home with a wood stove, and drinking well water. And he loved every minute of it.
He values his solitude, nature, and the intense silence. He’s well armed, and though bears and panthers have been spotted nearby he fears nothing (okay, maybe that’s because he’s well armed). He does have a city girlfriend, though, which could change everything… and cost him his certification as a true hermit.
In Conquering Deception© I wrote about the power of silence in conversation; it makes people VERY uncomfortable, and I explained how to harness this as a ‘weapon’. And since I wrote that book, I’ve come to understand there’s a larger phenomenon than I’d realized: People are uncomfortable with silence in ANY context. Even when they’re alone. Maybe ESPECIALLY when they’re alone.
They say “Silence is golden” but how many of us really treat it as gold?
Silence is a commodity, as valuable as money or anything physical.
It allows you to think.
To clear your mind.
To relax.
Even to hear God.
Think about your typical day: How much TRUE silence do you have? Did you have any today? Will you have any tomorrow? Here’s my promise to you: You’ll have none unless you make room for it.
And so here’s the challenge I alluded to in the headline: Sit in silence for one hour. Find an isolated place with no noise, no distractions, and no possible interruptions. It could be a room, your car, the middle of a field… or the middle of a desert.
Even with no noise to derail you, it might be necessary to close your eyes… or risk being distracted by what you see. You may want to set an alarm on your phone to mark the passage of an hour, or you’ll find yourself looking at the time.
You may be surprised to find this is harder than it sounds. Believe it or not, most people can’t do this, at least not at the first pass. So FAIR WARNING: Your mind will fight you on this; initially your thoughts will run wild, and you’ll be tempted to stop or do something else. But if you persist, your mind will give up and settle in.
Stress comes from action, sound, and thoughts. If you want to escape the commotion and clutter of the world and reclaim some peace of mind, just stop, get quiet, and allow yourself the luxury of silence.
I won’t try tell you what it’s like, or what it will bring you. That’s only for those who have the willingness to discover it for themselves.
Can you do it? Are you up for trying?
Let me know your thoughts on any of this and your experience with silence… I’m interested to hear from you…
-jef
Refer this blog post to a friend or colleague…
Tags: mind control, silence, stress, Thought Control
Hi Jef, I really like this post. Good for you, it is a blessing to find a sanctuary for one’s self.
I believe that my greatest fear is solitude, 2nd is darkness. In darkness I fear being vulnerable to what i can’t see -those that are accustomed to the dark.
As for silence, I agree with you that we must all create that time and place for it. Even Jesus himself withdrew from the crowds. My favorite place of silence is in my garden, especially when i’m touching the soil. I also like sitting by myself on the deck, doing nothing but just staring at the trees. I like being in a window seat in an airplane. I look at the clouds and think. OR i just go to the powder room and lock myself in. and yeah! the hot tub…
Adults need quiet time just as much as the little ones. It renews us in many ways, and helps us be better and more peaceful.
Thank you for the reminder.
Jeannie, you’re a rebel… violating the norm, you know that, right? You list silence as your least fear among the three… because you’ve already discovered that it’s nothing to fear. Silence is a friend.
Thanks J!
Silence eventually became a friend. I used to fear it more than solitude. Silence: the more we evade it, the more we need it. It is better to make time for it than to hear the voices in our heads!