The People Around You Will Keep You Average—How to Capitalize on Being Different…
If you have kids, you might have noticed there’s a certain age where they point at the moon every time they see it.
If you don’t have kids, you should still be able to relate, because I’ll guarantee you this: You used to point at the moon, too.
A few nights ago we got home from our four year-old daughter’s dance recital just as the sun was going down.
Like usual, our son Tav wanted to stay outside and play, so he and I ended up on the driveway, just the two of us.
Well, the three of us, counting the moon.
He spotted it right off. Tav’s at that “moon-noticing age” right now: Two. When he pointed, I looked up and saw it there, a classic crescent moon suspended just above the tree tops against a darkening blue sky. As you can see by the picture, it did look just a little like it was made of cheese.
Tav spun around toward me and put his arms up, standing on his toes and tugging at my shirt. I bent down to pick him up and he immediately started climbing me like a ladder, his arm outstretched at the sky—and I realized he wasn’t just pointing at the moon… he was trying to touch it.
As adults we get kind of smug. We get into the mindset that our job is to teach our kids—and it is—but there happen to be some pretty good lessons they can teach us if we’ll slow down, avoid thinking we know it all… and just have some humility.
In my opinion, here are the two most notable natural traits that small kids have—and I’m talking about toddlers, here:
1-They take chances—failure isn’t a consideration
2-They don’t worry about what others will think of them
All of us were this way when we were little. Then as we grew older—and it didn’t take long—these traits flipped 180 degrees:
1-We began to fear failure, and avoid risk
2-We started to place tremendous importance on what others think of us
The cause of this radical change in our programming? The pressure to conform and our resulting need to “fit in”. Sometime in elementary school—likely by second grade—we learned that being average is both easier, and less painful, than standing out.
It’s the worst thing we learned in school.
And virtually everybody carries this lesson into adulthood. It manifests in two ways:
1-We tend to safely emulate those around us: We buy the same type of car, wear the same sort of clothes, and earn roughly the same amounts of money as the people we associate with.
Whether you’re rich, poor, famous, or unknown, you are the average of your 5 closest friends. Tell me I’m wrong: We tend to be like the people around us.
Why does being “average” feel safe? Because everybody’s doing it.
To break from the pack, to go beyond average, you must be willing to take chances the ordinary person considers foolish. Every well-known celebrity, inventor, or entrepreneur you’ve ever heard of was willing to take risks that most people wouldn’t.
The fix? Be strong enough to be different. If you’re not doing something unusual, then by default, you’ll be average.
2-We tend to behave so that we can keep the approval of others: The people around you will keep you average—and they won’t even have to try.
Unless you’re aware of your complicity, you’ll subscribe without thinking. The gravitational pull of the tribe is powerful, but only because we notice, join, and then follow blindly. There’s a seductive comfort in doing what everyone else is doing.
Here’s the deal: There’s nothing wrong with being average. But if you aren’t content with average, you’ll have to be willing to suffer the disapproval of others to get anything more. It’s an absolute requirement.
The average way to make money is to get an education, get a job, get up when the buzzer goes off, and get home late. To be wealthy, or just do something extraordinary, you’ll have to go beyond average—because let’s face it, the average person isn’t wealthy, and their life is… well, ordinary.
So BEWARE: If you have what you believe is a great idea, whether an invention, a story, a business, or a product, be careful who you tell! It’s impossible to know how many “average” people have had an idea that would have changed their life, then made the mistake of asking another person—who probably never did anything out of the ordinary himself—”What do you think of this?” Negativity is a virus, the most contagious and deadly kind.
The fix? Go back to the innate boldness you had as a two year-old, when you’d climb on a stack of paint cans to reach a candy bar, and you didn’t care whether you fell… or whether anyone saw you fall.
Which takes me back to my son and me.
He’s going to point again—and he may reach again.
Should I tell Tav he can’t touch the moon? After all, it’s true that he can’t.
But the danger is this: It’s the beginning of a long series of “you can’ts”, and sooner or later he’ll be told he can’t…
When really he can… if he’ll just ignore the person who says it.
Comment with your take on any of this, I’m interested in your thoughts…
Tags: conformity, success
First, I thought I’d share a quote from ‘Very Far Away From Anywhere Else’ by Ursula K Le Guin where she talks about this very thing. But when I pulled out my copy, I realized it was more than a line or two but rather 3 pages! The gist is that kids haven’t ‘learned’ yet to say and do things they don’t really mean and that when they do, they rush to form groups in order to classify their own identity. And if these groups see someone on the outside, they throw rocks because it scares them that someone isn’t just like them.
Secondly, I remembered a training course I went on for working with youth. They suggested that we correct with positive words instead of negative words. Instead of saying ‘DON’T throw rocks’ we should say ‘Throw Nerf balls!’ Difficult to do sometimes but we’re often so quick to say what people shouldn’t do that we forget to give them options of what they CAN do.
In the past several years I’ve learned that I enjoy taking risks and doing things differently. I think its interesting that you speak about returning to the boldness of a 2-year old because the criticism that I hear the most is that I’m immature and need to grow up.
Lastly, I remember my own fascination with the night sky-in my case the stars. I also remember that my father told me that no matter how far apart we are, we still dream under the same stars. So for me, the moon and stars are not out of reach.
P.S. Sorry for the long response but your post really touched me!
hi, Amy… Sometimes being ‘grown up’ is a handicap: We start taking things for granted, stop exploring, testing, pushing… and then things get stagnant, don’t they. So I wouldn’t worry about those suggestions that you ‘need to grow up’. They’re giving you an unwitting thumbs up.
Kids are told from the start ‘no’ at every turn. It’s a wonder we’d ever think we can do anything after years of that indoctrination. Always better to say what you can do… rather than what you can’t.
Great thoughts, thanks much Amy–no length limits here, bring it on!
-j
PS - I’ve thrown rocks–and Nerf Balls. One difference between the two? A rock’s performance doesn’t change when you soak it in water before throwing.
Hi Jef, great post! ‘Unless you’re aware of your complicity, you’ll subscribe without thinking.’ This one resonates with me. I have the tendency to look at what everyone else is doing, friend or competition.
Thank you for sharing, this makes me think about how I can be a positive influence to Julian. It also reminds me of the games I played as a child and how fearless I was..
***jeannie
.. like jumping off a roof, making the grown-ups pay us money at the gate if they wanted to get in the house, and performing on my make-belief stage. Come to think of it never did i think then that the grown ups would say no. And then i grew up haha.
Your post has made me realize that spending time with our children is not only loving them, it is good for us.
As always, you who read my stuff find/explore directions I don’t expect: For me, this is the best part of writing this blog. Fascinating fun, like opening presents.
So, Jeannie, you bring up an interesting angle on this when you talk about looking to both friend and competition… I think it can be dangerous to emulate people on a personal level. How many times have I told our older girls (11 and 16), “Don’t follow the crowd, think for yourself”.
A friend I went to high school with broke his neck the summer after we graduated (yeah, long ago). A bunch of ‘em were diving off a bridge into a river. Many had done it and came back up. Verified safe, right? When Paul did it, though, he hit the bottom, severed his spinal cord, and he never walked again or moved his arms.
Don’t follow the herd.
They’ll lead you over the cliff, just like in the old cowboy movies.
CAVEAT: On a professional level, though, it can be smart, even VITAL to replicate others. Look at what the succesful are doing. They’ve always made a LOT of mistakes before getting it right, and we can all save ourselves the pain of trial & error by emulating what works… start with their foundation, then let your own innovation and creativity kick in.
None of us will live long enough to start from scratch… learn from others, then create, tweak, and keep pushing.
As always, thanks for your input, Jeannie, much appreciate hearing from you!
-j
The key?
Key? what Key? thanks Jeff…
hey, Jeannie, thanks for the laugh~
Remnants of something I was writing, I guess, and it remained… Typo City.
Proves it, you guys pick up on things I don’t… keep me on my toes Jeannie!
Your story about Paul is a sad one!
I haven’t seen Paul since high school, but through a mutual friend I know that he’s got a wife, a family, and has lived a remarkably ‘normal’ life despite what’s been handed to him. He was a great guy as I remember him, and he still is.
A very good movie that illustrates your point Jef is The Pursuit of Happyness starring Will Smith and his son. In the movie he tells his son not to let anybody tell him ‘you can’t do it’, including Will Smith himself.
As for your friend Paul, his story reminds me of the video of Nick V http://reallyjm.blogspot.com/2009/03/lets-get-back-up-together.html and what struck me is the way he said, ” I, am HAPPY.” How many times do you hear people say it that way? And he’s NOT THE AVERAGE guy at all.
There was a commencement address I read a few days ago, where the superintendent tells the graduating high school class - to go and WOW everybody in everything they do. That struck me, it might be “the key” !
to make it one’s objective to WOW others.
Well said, Jeannie, and thanks for mentioning the Nick V video, check it out, all, you can see it at Jeannie’s blog at http://reallyjm.blogspot.com/2009/03/lets-get-back-up-together.html
That video has been clinically proven to cure the average person of complaining for 2.7 days…
Nice post! My dad always told me two things about success:
1. If you stick your head above the crowd, be okay with the people around you trying to lop it off and
2. Following the herd means you go off the cliff with them.
Probably needless to say, but my dad’s a successful entrepreneur and a *bit* of a contrarian. The funniest thing I’ve seen him do is actually listen to people at parties (especially the “investing circles”) when they talk about stocks, companies and investment opportunities and then promptly go home and either make a note to not invest in that particular opportunity or get out of the stock if he’s in it. The amazing thing… it works.
I guess I’ve become a bit of a contrarian as well… just in my outlook on relationships — dates/friends/family. It seems to work well for me. Be real, be daring and be open to new experiences. I like the quote “Well behaved women rarely make history.” *grin*
Too bad for most kids, their parents don’t teach them a few basics that would serve them well… because they don’t know the basics themselves? Probably.
So they have to figure out the savvy stuff on their own, or worse yet, it never enters their minds. The upside: Opportunity for the wise. “But for the fools, the rest of us could not succeed.” -Mark Twain
Good for you, Kelli, you have a Pop that’s never been “average” so you’re quite fortunate–give him a hug, or a bottle of scotch, you know his preferences better than I do.
Great quote there, and it goes for men, too, I guess. Think Ben Franklin… and Ted Bundy.
Thanks Kelli!
-j
Jef,
Your thoughts struck a chord with me. Nice job. I have a friend who is an equestrian and who happens to be blind. Her motto is, if you do your best and believe in yourself, you can lasso the moon! …
By the way, is that the University of Arizona in Tucson at the top of your page? If so, Go Wildcats - I’m a U of A grad from many moons ago…
Rich
Wow, hats off to your friend, Rich, much to learn from her I’m sure.
Yep, looks like it could be AZ I guess, but it’s Hillcrest Drive in Beverly Hills… got lost looking for my dog.
Thanks for thoughts, Rich, more to come soon, stay tuned!
-jef