Duality Re-Visited and Exemplified—Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns (Plus Another ‘Little Secret’)…
Last month I gave you a post that touched on the subject of duality, and I’ve gotten several emails from readers about it in the meantime.
Some didn’t fully understand it—others were fascinated by it.
One of those who wrote gave me a perfect example of duality in conversation, and I thought you might enjoy it.
Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns…
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was alone in the house with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
— Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
— Walter
Hey, examples are better than definitions any day, right?
So have you ever considered that people tend to:
-hear what they want to hear
-hear what interests them
-hear what upsets them
PS—The other “little secret” I promised? Duality is everywhere: Up—down. Top—bottom. Inside—outside. Left—right. Right—wrong.
There’s even duality in this post, two points that could be taken:
1-People routinely miss your point (or you theirs) and
2-Men and women are different (Obvious? Not to all).
Not only are men and women different, but boys and girls are, too. Another shocker, right? In fact, I’ll really go out on a limb: We’re born different.
We have three girls, and then the last sprout was a boy (and still is). He does things the girls would have never imagined. Like dumping the dog’s food bowl into the dog’s water bowl… pouring nail polish on the bathroom floor… and using the garden hose to fill his red & white checkered Vans full of water—while he’s wearing them.
Until Tav can figure out a way to reach the roof (use a clock, not a calendar to measure how long that takes) I’ll be putting them up there to dry out.
Duality: It lures people into missing your real message. And it can distract you from getting yours across. Be on the lookout—duality is a subtle little virus that affects us all… in fact, it’s responsible for most of the miscommunications you run into in conversations.
Have you ever experienced duality in conversation? Comment with your thoughts or experiences, interested to hear your take…
Tags: conversation, duality
Fun funny Tav!
I’ll be careful to be clear when I speak to my prospective ‘family enrollees’ then. Communication = money is what I was told.
The example was a good one, a bad thing, and yeah why did Walter totally ignore Sheila’s other problem, the one she wrote him about?
And what’s the other little secret? I think i missed it
Hey, Jeannie, maybe too much duality in this one! You got the little secret, so little it
was easy to miss?
Thanks Jeannie!
[...] Duality Re-Visited and Exemplified—Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns (Plus Another ‘L… [...]
Well I can see the duality here and have understood for years how communication differs between the genders and it is something I have struggled with myslef. I think we all at one point have read an excerpt or heard of the book “Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus”. Although this example was to the extreme, I have come across many men that respond in that matter. It is not that they are oblivious to the real problem, it is that men like to fix stuff and go off an thier island to deal with everything else, unless you are of course Dr. Phil. I used to think we processed things differently, but now understand it is more of a choice. For instance, let’s reverse the roles… Say Walter was not only the person Sheila wrote to about advice, but let’s also give him the role of being the 22 year old’s father that her husband is having the affair with… If you give him that role, I can guarantee his response would be different and have nothing to do with fixing a car. However point is communication and understanding how to get the results you desire.
You probably hit on something, there may be an element of choice in what part of a subject we address, and it’s a lot of times it’s dictated by where our interests lie. Great example you gave, what if Walter were the father? Right on–he’d choose to take a different approach!
Even so, got to say that I differ on the processing… don’t you think there are some natural differences? None? Really?
Great insights, Laura, thanks much for your thoughts!
-jef
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